Sometimes I which my life didn’t exist… or that I could just disappear…
Truth is, no matter how many years I live with you, I will never understand your sense of selfishness and egoism towards sharing your things with other people, like that would make you any less valuable.
I remember reading somewhere that when we are little kids we go though a stage where we are “this is mine” and “this is yours” and we don’t like to share, but sometimes I think you simply never got passed that stage.
And on the other extreme, I am the type of person that never minds sharing, and usually says yes.
But today I realized that I do have an issue with that… and though I still haven’t figure out it’s cause, I realize I am wrong, because every time not just you, but anyone denied to share even the simplest thing they have with me, I feel bad, like betrayed and ignored. And every-time they ask me for something, I say yes.
Ever since I can remember I’ve always known I am different, I’ve always been the misfit, the outcast, the rebel, the one people wouldn’t understand, and with the years… I learnt (thanks mostly to certain type of music), to embrasse that and be proud of it.
But being honest, being an outcast is no fairytale, and sometimes it can get harder that others, it means you’ve accepted that you’ll eventually NEVER fit in, that you will probably always stand out because you are different, and as much as that is something that makes you special, there also is a certain level of pain and emptiness that you accept with it.
(That probably is when certain songs are your little floater so you don’t drown yourself…)
I am also used to, no idea why, but I know it isn’t ok, to ask for things whenever I want them like I see you eating potato chips, I’ll probably ask you to give me some if I feel like it, it’s the moment when you say no that destroys me, and I am not sure of the cause but it makes me feel weak.
I realize it has to do with self-esteem, which has always being an issue for me, but that is an effect, not a cause.
I do not want to hate on you, I don’t want to fill my heart with that negative energy, that would only do my pain worst, I am better than that, but sometimes I wish I wasn’t, and I could really not care, but the truth is that I do, and that’s the reason why it hurts me; because I care about you.
Atte. Isabel (MissV)
♥ Thoughts? Let me know! 😉